Mommy, What Is Sex?

"Mommy, what Is sex?" "Honey, sex is when a man buys you dinner and drinks, and then you spend the night with him." "Well, then, Mommy, what's super sex?" "Super sex is when a man has his chauffeur pick you up in his limousine, he takes you to a luxurious villa, gives you caviar and Champagne, a fabulous gourmet meal, fine wine, you spend many nights together with multiple and varied sex acts, and he gives you expensive diamonds." "Well, then, Mommy, what's love?" "Love is a lie invented by men so that they can have sex for free!"

Gorilla Gone Ape

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo.

She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.

As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along.

She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down.

Now try lifting your dress up your thighs...this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.

Then, quickly, the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says,"Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

My girlfriend and I have been dating for two years ...

My girlfriend and I have been dating for two years, and we finally decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me ... and my girlfriend? She is a hottie! Every guy's dream - waits on me hand & foot and does me good in the bedroom! There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She is a career woman, smart, beautiful and sexy (much like Cindy), who sometimes flirts with me, which makes me feel uncomfortable.

One day last week, Cindy's mom called me and asked me to come over to check out the wedding invitations. So WTF, I went over there. She was alone and when I arrived she began whispering to me, "Steve, you are about to be married, and I have feelings and desires for you that I cannot overcome!" she went on to say, "Before you get married and committ your life to my daughter, I want to romp on your love stick ... just this once." OMG! ... what could I say? I was in total shock ... couldn't say a word; "l'll be in the bedroom and if you are up for it just come and do me."

I stood there for a moment, pressure building up in my pants, turned around and walked towards the front door. Opened it, stepped out of the house and headed for my car. Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, he hugged me and said, "We are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter - welcome to the family."

Moral of the story:
Always keep your condoms in your car!!!!

THE PENIS WANTS A RAISE

I, Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

* I do physical labor.
* I work at great depths.
* I plunge head first into everything I do.
* I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
* I work in a damp environment.
* I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
* I work in high temperatures.
* I often work consecutive shifts - including overtime - due to my coworker's needs.
* My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely, The Penis


THE RESPONSE:

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 straight hours.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative.
You need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety requirements, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.

And if that were NOT ALL, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.

Cordially, The Management.

Longlegs in the Garden

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.


He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked
"They're mating," her father replied What do you call the spider on top?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs" The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment..then took her foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well, we're not having any of that gay stuff in our garden."