She decided to go to the party (FUNNY!)

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.


So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife came up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed,
so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, “Oh the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”

Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”

He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.

But I’ll tell you… the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!”

I Thought You Were the Perfect Couple

"Pete, I can't believe that you and Claire are splitting up," said John. "I always thought you were the perfect couple. What happened?" Pete explained, "One night, when we drove through the red-light district, Claire said, 'Look! It's one of those hookers, or prostitutes, or whatever you call them" and I said, 'Her name is Kelly'." John fell silent for a moment and then said, "So do you think she'll let you keep the Harley?" 

The Secret To a Long Marriage

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesday's, I go Friday's.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in B.C.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

10. Remember....Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.

12. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

13. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"...I said, 'Dust!"
______________________________________

The minister asked if anyone had been married for fifty years. Ralph stood up. "I'll celebrate my 50th wedding anniversary this summer," he announced. After a round of applause, the minister asked Ralph to share some insight into successful married life. Ralph replied, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, and took her traveling on special occasions." The minister asked, "Like where, Ralph?" "Well, for our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing." The minister responded enthusiastically, "What a terrific example you are, Ralph. And what do you have planned for your 50th anniversary?" "I'm going back to Beijing to get her!"

Honey On The Phone

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

Man: "Hello"
Woman: "Honey, it's me.
Are you at the club?"
Man: "Yes"
Woman: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that
much."
Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
Man: "How much?"
Woman: "$65,000."
Man: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
Woman: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
Man: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"