Jokes for Twitter - Relationships

• Remember: no matter how good a #woman looks, some guy somewhere is sick and tired of putting up with her crap! #humor
• Will the father be present during the birth? asked the obstetrician Nah replied the mother-to-be He and my #husband don't get along!
• A #man will pay $2 for a $1 item that he needs. A #woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need. #humor
• How about a goodnight #kiss? he asked She rebuffed, I don't do that on the first date! He replied How about on your last date? #jokes
• What do you get when you cross a hit of acid with a birth-control pill? A trip without the kids. #jokes
• I hope I'm the last guy on earth -- I wanna see if all those women were lying to me. RT! #jokes #humor
• What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted. #jokes #humor
• What does a cyclone and a #woman have in common? They both start out hot, wet & wild and then take UR House & Car. #humor
• Nothing can be more expensive than a women who's free for the evening!! RT! #jokes #humor #lmfao
• My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. #jokes #humor #lmfao
• #Girls are like phones. They love to be held & talked to, but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected! #quotes #humor
• A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking. A wise man tells her that her mouth is beautiful when her lips are closed. #quotes #humor
• I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. #quotes #humor
• When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.  #quotes #humor

Shorts: Damn Funny Jokes

• Life is like a pen¡s: simple, carefree, soft, meek and modest. It's women that make it hard!
• What happened when Bluebeard the Pirate fell into the Red Sea? He got marooned!
• When does 1 + 1 = 3? When you don't use a condom!
• If a threesome is sex with three people, and a twosome is sex with two people, I guess you can just call me "handsome."
• What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? "Hump-me, Dump-me!"
• Did you hear about the guy who spent the night in a gay bar? He woke up with a queer taste in his mouth!
• What's a practical nurse? One who marries a wealthy, terminally ill patient.
• What's worse than an out-of-tune piano? An organ that goes flat in the middle of a piece!
• Whenever I'm bored, I like to text a random number, saying, "I hid the body. Now what?"

One Liners for Twitter and Facebook #1

"I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women." "Really? What happened?" "I got my d|ck stuck in the bottle!"

Do you get those emails about increasing the size of your penis? Funny how they know who to send them to!

Husband to wife, "Would you stop loving me if you won the lottery?" Wife to husband, "No, but I'd miss you!"

Wife to husband: "What do you like most about me: my pretty face or my sexy body?" Husband to wife: "Your sense of humor!"

If we don’t protect freedom of speech, we will never know who the assholes are.

Successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

Never argue with a woman when she's tired... or rested!

I just met a 14-year-old girl in a chat room; I suggested we meet up. Turns out she's an undercover detective. How cool is that, at her age!

"Can I deduct the cost of medical marijuana?" "Only if you file a joint return."

My wife found this job listing, "It's not much of a starting salary, but you get a huge pay raise." I read it: "Salary: 23k to start; 401k after 1 yr."

How do you make an archeologist blush? Give him a used tampon and ask him
which period it's from!

Why do women enjoying knitting? It gives them something to think about while
they're talking!

Insults That Stick

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
Abraham Lincoln

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
Mark Twain

"He has no enemies , but is intensely disliked by his friends."
Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one."
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy."
Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."
Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
Thomas Brackett Reed

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."
James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
Billy Wilder

Magnetic Insults Buttons (pack of 12) | Price: $14.95 |As Pictured Above

So how cold is it?

• It's so cold, even the Good Humour Man is in a bad mood.
• It's so cold, chicken wings are being sold only in hot and suicide.
• It's so cold, Paris Hilton is actually wearing clothes.
• It's so cold, fleece is once again fashionable.
• It's so cold that I can feel icicles forming beneath my eyelids
• It's so cold that I put the meat in the freezer to defrost.
• It's so cold that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets for once.
• It's so cold that even members of congress couldn't get into a heated argument.
• It's so cold that cigarette smokers were passing out because they didn't know that
  they were through exhaling.
• Columbia Sportswear Womens 3-in-1 Bugaboo Interchange Parka - Black
• It's so cold that instead of the finger, New Yorkers are giving each other the mitten.
• It's so cold that cabbies are wearing flannel turbans.
• Jay Leno: "It was so cold, I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket."
• It's so cold that I actually feel like listening to Rush Limbaugh. That's how desperate I am for some hot air.
• It's so cold, even Ted Kennedy won't go outside without pants.
• It's so cold that Times Square strip clubs are advertising "Live Heavily-Dressed Girls!"
• It's so cold that people are buying hot roasted chestnuts to put in their pants.
• It's so cold, Richard Simmons was seen putting on a pair of long pants.
• It's so cold, the only essential employee in Chicago is one with a snow shovel.

Self Answered Questions

"Is the basement upstairs?"
"So you were gone until you returned?"
"What time does the 7 o'clock ferry leave?"
"When was whe war of 1812?"
"How much is that $10 watch?"
"If you record silence on a tape and then play it back with the volume all the way up, will that drown out the noise in the room?"
"Isn't it funny how Thanksgiving lands on a Thursday every year?"
"Ears pierced while you wait."
"Do not open this door when locked."
"In no way is it possible for a person to be in two places at the same time, especially if there is a great distance in between."
"Please store in the cold section of the refrigerator."
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
"Do not use orally after using rectally."
"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
"The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"
"Were you alone or by yourself?"
"For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs."
"Mr. Smith is also a close relative of his brother Wilbur."
"The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon."
"Do these stairs go up or down?"
"What time does the midnight buffet start?"
"What do you do with the ice sculptures after they melt?"
"Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?"
"How do the elk know they're supposed to cross at the Elk Crossing signs?"
"So it's eight kilometers away. Is that in miles?"

Say What?

• As pilots training in the U.S. Air Corps they taught us, "Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take-offs you make."
• My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
• Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
• Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.
• The irony of life is that, by the time you are old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.
• I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
• Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
• How do I set my laser printer on stun?
• How is it possible to have a civil war?
• If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
• If God dropped acid, would he see people?
• If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
• If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
• If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
• Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
• What happens when none of your bees wax?
• Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?
• If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
• Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
• If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
• Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
• If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands out with soap?
• The optimist sees the glass half full. The pessimist sees the glass half empty. The drunk says, "Are you gonna drink that?"
• Things are a lot more like they used to be than they are now.
• You have abused the right to say something stupid.
• I used to live to work. Then I worked to live. Then I worked to drink. Now I must drink to work.
• We’ve had enough to drink. Now let’s have too much.
• You’re not drunk if you can lay on the floor without holding on.
• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he’ll sit in the boat and drink all day.
• Drinking when we’re not thirsty is one of the few things that separates us from the beasts.

16 THINGS WOMEN SHOULD KNOW ABOUT MEN

1. Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.
2. Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
3. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.
4. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
5. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there.
6. Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.
7. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be let out alone.
8. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
9. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
10. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
11. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
12. If you want a committed man look in a mental hospital.
13. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times men wouldn't ask for directions.
14. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.
15. Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you gotta laugh at his.
16. The main point of having a boyfriend is so that he can one day graduate to the exalted status of a "former boyfriend."

Guy Talk Translated

"I'M GOING FISHING"
Translated: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR!"
Translated: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Translated: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless"

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Translate: Hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC !!!"
Translated: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST ... I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Translated: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

Trailer Park Rules

1. No cars up on blocks for longer than three weeks.

2. No changing your oil in the street.

3. No loud and wild parties without inviting the manager.

4. You may have no more than 3 beer can wind chimes each only having no more than 6 cans each.

5. Drunkenness will not be tolerated in the streets prior to 10 am.

Sonoma Life + Style Western Boots

6. While outside of your trailer you must be at least partially clothed.*

7. If you prefer to clean your trailer in the nude, please close the curtains. *

8. When bringing in the Jerry Springer or COPS film crews, please provide the management prior written notice so that certain residents may be forewarned.

9. Empty beer bottles should not be discarded on the front lawn. However, they may remain there until you are sober enough to collect them with the understanding you will collect them within 7 days whether sober or not.

10. When bringing dates home to your trailer, please be advised that in the event the sidewalks need to be repaired or replaced due to the weight of your date, you will be responsible for all cost incurred.

11. All window cracks and repairs must be done within 7 days of last party using color coordinated duct tape whenever possible.

Double H 12" Work Western Boots (Crazyhorse) - Men's Boots - 8.0 2E

12. If grass get too high around trailer wheels, a fine will be imposed on renter, not to exceed the rental of neighbors goat and kids.

13. Lawn mower, car and truck parts are not to be displayed, advertised or kept in the yard for more than 30 days unless they are in original condition, this includes but is not limited to rust, dents, flat tires, broken windows and headlights, dull blades etc.

14. For sale sign must include real name, address, phone number (if any), price in dollars and cents,large enough to be read from the street while driving by with beer in hand.

15. All children found in yard after dark will be referred to the local tavern for collection.

16. Volume of TV will be kept at a reasonable level except where your neighbor's television is broke and wants to listen to the NASCAR races.

17. Harley's are NOT to be kept in the living room.

18. Carports are for cars not your in-laws oversized truck camper.

19. Police are for law enforcement not delivery of your pizza, doughnuts or long lost relatives you saw on late night TV

Double H 12" Work Western Boots (Black) - Men's Boots - 7.0 2E

20. Your neighbors windows are NOT for target practice.

21. Your neighbors dogs are NOT for target practice.

22. If your dog barks too much, your neighbor has our permission to shut him/her up by any means at hand.


Note* (Exemptions to rules 6 & 7 may be provided to women between the ages of 18 and 35. Please submit a photograph to the manager for approval.)

Following these simple rules should make your stay in our trailer park more enjoyable for everyone.

My Most Favorate Bumper Stickers

4 out of 5 voices in my head say Go For It!
A hundred thousand sperm and you were the fastest?
A real gentleman wouldn't stare at my stickers.
Answer my prayer -- steal this car.
As a matter of fact, I do own the road.
Back Off! I'm a Postal Worker
Back off! I'm not that kind of car.
Beat rush hour, leave work at noon
Bipartisanship: I'll hug your elephant if you kiss my ass
CAUTION! - Driver legally blonde!
CAUTION! I can go from 0 to BITCH in 2.5 seconds
Clear the road I'm SIXTEEN
Come The Rapture Can I Have Your Car?
Cover me! I'm changing lanes.
Daddy Farted, and we Can't get out!!
Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
Don't assume I'm not into cheap meaningless sex
Don't follow me. I'm lost too.
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Don't worry…it's only kinky the first time.
Driver carries no cash. He's married.
Forget About World Peace. Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
FREE TIBET! (with the purchase of a 44 oz. drink).
Get off my ass before I start to like it!
God is Coming and is she PISSED
God was my co-pilot but we crashed in the mountains and I had to eat him
Heavily medicated for your safety.
Hello, officer. Put it on my tab.
Help! I Farted and can't roll down my windows!
Horn Broken Watch for Finger
I'm a nice guy. My car is evil.
I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to work.
I'm only driving this way to piss you off.
I'm Out of Estrogen And I Have a Gun
I'm looking for the right pedestrian to run over.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
I'm Not Losing Hair I'm Getting Head
I'm not playing with myself, I'm just adjusting my jewellery.
I'm out of bed and dressed, what more do you want?
I am not a bum. My wife works!
I brake suddenly for tailgaters
I don't care, I don't have to.
I gave up drinking, smoking and sex - Worst 15 minutes of my life
I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
I have a drink problem - I can't afford it.
I have a nice body. It's in my trunk.
I have good Brakes, Do you have GOOD Insurance?
I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.
I is a college student.
I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
I love cats they taste like chicken
I may be a Cruel and Heartless Bitch But I'm damn good at it
I may be slow but I'm ahead of you!
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
I respect your opinion. Just don't want to hear it!
I still have the body of an 18 year old but it's in my trunk and it's starting to smell
I Still Miss My "Ex" But My Aim Is Improving
I suffer from c.r.s. (can't remember shit)
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
I want to be just like Barbie That BITCH Has Everything!
I Wasn't Born A Bitch Men Like You Make Me That Way
If everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane!
If I wanted to hear from an asshole I'd fart
If this car is being driven courteously it's been stolen.
If we call it tourist season why can't we shoot them?
If You Are Born Again Do You Have Two Belly Buttons ?
If you are not a hemorrhoid then get off my ass!
If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
If you don't like my attitude, stop looking at my Stickers!
Invest in America. Buy a Congressman!
Invest in America. Buy a Congressman - Oh wait! You are already doing that!
It's time to pull over and change the air in your head!
It sucks to be a man in a lesbians body.
Jesus is coming look busy.
Jesus loves you, everyone else thinks you're an asshole
Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
Learn from your parents' mistakes. Use birth control!
Lord give me patience... But Hurry!
Make It Idiot Proof and Someone Will Make a Better Idiot
Men are Idiots and I married their King
My daughter turned down your honor student!
My Goddess Gave Birth To Your God
My other bumper sticker is funny.
My other car is a broom
My other car is also a piece of junk
Of All The Things I've Lost I Miss My Mind The Most
Out of my mind (back in 5 minutes)
Pissing off the whole planet one person at a time
Politicians & Diapers need to be changed... often for the same reason
Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself
Sex is my religion.. let us pray!
So Many Cats, So Few Recipes
So many pedestrians. So little time!
Somewhere in Texas there's a village missing an idiot
Sorry if I look interested, I'm not!
THE EARTH IS FULL GO HOME
Think this looks bad? You should see the front.
This Is Not An Abandoned Vehicle
Why Are You Staring At My Bumper!? You Pervert!
Work harder!! Millions on welfare are depending on you.
Yes, This Is My Truck No, I Won't Help You Move
Your child may be an honors student, but You're still an idiot.
YOU SAY I'M A BITCH LIKE IT'S A BAD THING