I Thought You Were the Perfect Couple

"Pete, I can't believe that you and Claire are splitting up," said John. "I always thought you were the perfect couple. What happened?" Pete explained, "One night, when we drove through the red-light district, Claire said, 'Look! It's one of those hookers, or prostitutes, or whatever you call them" and I said, 'Her name is Kelly'." John fell silent for a moment and then said, "So do you think she'll let you keep the Harley?" 

Two Lawyers at a Bar

Two lawyers sat down at a bar and ordered drinks. Soon, they took sandwiches from their briefcases and started eating. The bartender said, "Excuse me, gentlemen, but you can't eat your own sandwiches in here!" The lawyers shrugged and exchanged sandwiches

Guy Talk Translated

"I'M GOING FISHING"
Translated: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR!"
Translated: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Translated: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless"

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Translate: Hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC !!!"
Translated: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST ... I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Translated: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."