Friday, May 11, 2012

One Liners for Twitter and Facebook #1

"I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women." "Really? What happened?" "I got my d|ck stuck in the bottle!"

Do you get those emails about increasing the size of your penis? Funny how they know who to send them to!

Husband to wife, "Would you stop loving me if you won the lottery?" Wife to husband, "No, but I'd miss you!"

Wife to husband: "What do you like most about me: my pretty face or my sexy body?" Husband to wife: "Your sense of humor!"

If we don’t protect freedom of speech, we will never know who the assholes are.

Successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

Never argue with a woman when she's tired... or rested!

I just met a 14-year-old girl in a chat room; I suggested we meet up. Turns out she's an undercover detective. How cool is that, at her age!

"Can I deduct the cost of medical marijuana?" "Only if you file a joint return."

My wife found this job listing, "It's not much of a starting salary, but you get a huge pay raise." I read it: "Salary: 23k to start; 401k after 1 yr."

How do you make an archeologist blush? Give him a used tampon and ask him
which period it's from!

Why do women enjoying knitting? It gives them something to think about while
they're talking!