Thirteen Short Jokes

1) Three weeks after her wedding day, Tina called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "Philip and I had a dreadful fight! I don't know what I'm going to do!" "Calm down, my child," said the minister, "I'm sure it's not as bad as you think. Every marriage has a first fight!" "I know, I know!" said Tina. "But what do I do with the body?!"

2) Secrets to a Perfectly Satisfying Relationship:
It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
It is important that a man makes you laugh.
It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
It is important that a man is good in bed and loves making love to you.
But it is really important that these four men don't know each other!

3) A blond called her boyfriend and asked him to "come over and help me finish this killer jigsaw puzzle." "What's it supposed to be?" She says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." He came over, saw it and said, "First, no matter what we do, we can't assemble this into a picture of a tiger. Second, relax, have a cup of coffee, and then we'll put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box!"

4) A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you." The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!" Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?" The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

5) When I was young, I had a boyfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life. In college, I dated a passionate guy, but he was so emotional that everything was an emergency. He was a drama queen, crying all the time, so I decided I needed a boy with stability. I found a stable guy but he was boring, totally predictable, never excited about anything. Life was so dull that I decided I needed a guy with some excitement. I found an exciting guy, but by then I just couldn't keep up with him. He rushed from one party to another, never settling on anything. He did mad, impetuous things and flirted with every woman he saw. He made me miserable more often than he made me happy, so I decided to find a guy with ambition. I found an ambitious man and married him, but he was so ambitious that he soon hired a better lawyer and divorced me, taking everything I had.
Now I'm older and wiser and know what I want: a guy with a really big d¡ck!

6) An older man entered a jewelry shop late one Friday with a beautiful young woman on his arm. "I'm looking for something special for my girlfriend," he said. The jeweler brought out a beautiful diamond ring for $5,000. "Perhaps you don't understand... I want something very special," he said. The jeweler went to his safe and fetched a beautiful necklace for $50,000. The young lady's eyes sparkled. The man said, "It's yours!" "How would you like to pay?" asked the jeweler. "By check, but I'm sure my bank will want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write you the check now, you can phone the bank tomorrow morning, and then I'll return and pick up the necklace Monday." The following Monday morning one pissed-off jeweler telephoned the man. "You bastard! You lied! There's no money in that account!" "Well, true. But let me thank you for one fantastic weekend!"

7) Two good old Southern boys were driving a truck through the back roads of West Virginia when they came to an overpass with a "CLEARANCE: 11 Feet" sign. They got out and measured their rig, which was over 12 feet tall. "Waddaya think?" asked one, as they climbed back into the cab. The other replied, "Hell, there ain't a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"

8) A man standing in line at the grocery store checkout was surprised when an attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming. He gave her a "Who are you?" look, but couldn't remember ever having seen her before. She noticed his look and assumed she had made a mistake. "I'm sorry, but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children." She took her change and left the store. The man was dumbfounded. "What's the world coming to? How can a woman not remember who fathered her children?" But then he thought, "Maybe, just maybe, during some wild college party..." so he ran after her and caught her in the parking lot. "Wait a minute. Are you the girl from that college party where we got really drunk and had sex on the pool table in front of everybody?" "No!" she said with a horrified look. "I'm your son's second grade teacher!"

9) Pedro was trying to get into the U.S. legally through Immigration. The Officer said "Pedro, you have passed all the tests, except there is one more test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter the U.S."
Pedro said, “I am ready." The officer said "Make a sentence using Yellow, Pink and Green." Pedro thought for a few minutes and said "Mister Officer, I am ready." The Officer said "Go ahead." Pedro said "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Pedro.'" Needless to say, Pedro now lives in a neighborhood near you.

10) A man approached a lovely young lady at the bar, "May I buy you a cocktail?" She answered, "No, thank you. Alcohol is bad for my legs." He replied, "Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. Do they swell?" She said, "No, they open!"

11) "I wanna report my neighbor Virgil Smith. I think he's hiding marijuana inside his firewood!" "Thank you for the tip, sir." Deputies immediately descended on Virgil's house, searched his shed, found his firewood, and split open every piece but found nothing inside. As they drove away empty-handed, Virgil's phone rang. "Hey, Virgil, it's Floyd. Did the sheriff's deputies come by yet?" "Yeah, they sure did!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yeah." "Happy birthday, buddy!"

12) A man who was grocery shopping noticed a little old lady following him around. When he stopped, she stopped. She stared at him. Finally, at the checkout, he was in line right behind her. She turned around and said to him, "I hope I didn't make you uneasy. It's just that you look so much like my late son..." He answered, "Oh, that's okay." "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out, 'Goodbye, Mom!' as I leave the store, it would make me so happy." Then she checked out and, as she left the store, the man played along. "Goodbye, Mom!" he said. The little old lady waved and smiled back at him and he was pleased that, through a simple act, he could bring joy into someone else's life. "That'll be $121.85," said the clerk. "What? No way! Look, I've only got nine items." The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your mother said you'd pay for her groceries, too!"

13) Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

"Hello"
"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
"Yes"
"I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
"Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
"I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 models. I saw one I really liked."
"How much?"
"$65,000."
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
"Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
"OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
"Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

The Secret To a Long Marriage

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesday's, I go Friday's.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in B.C.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

10. Remember....Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.

12. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

13. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"...I said, 'Dust!"
______________________________________

The minister asked if anyone had been married for fifty years. Ralph stood up. "I'll celebrate my 50th wedding anniversary this summer," he announced. After a round of applause, the minister asked Ralph to share some insight into successful married life. Ralph replied, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, and took her traveling on special occasions." The minister asked, "Like where, Ralph?" "Well, for our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing." The minister responded enthusiastically, "What a terrific example you are, Ralph. And what do you have planned for your 50th anniversary?" "I'm going back to Beijing to get her!"

My girlfriend and I have been dating for two years ...

My girlfriend and I have been dating for two years, and we finally decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me ... and my girlfriend? She is a hottie! Every guy's dream - waits on me hand & foot and does me good in the bedroom! There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She is a career woman, smart, beautiful and sexy (much like Cindy), who sometimes flirts with me, which makes me feel uncomfortable.

One day last week, Cindy's mom called me and asked me to come over to check out the wedding invitations. So WTF, I went over there. She was alone and when I arrived she began whispering to me, "Steve, you are about to be married, and I have feelings and desires for you that I cannot overcome!" she went on to say, "Before you get married and committ your life to my daughter, I want to romp on your love stick ... just this once." OMG! ... what could I say? I was in total shock ... couldn't say a word; "l'll be in the bedroom and if you are up for it just come and do me."

I stood there for a moment, pressure building up in my pants, turned around and walked towards the front door. Opened it, stepped out of the house and headed for my car. Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, he hugged me and said, "We are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter - welcome to the family."

Moral of the story:
Always keep your condoms in your car!!!!

Insults That Stick

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
Abraham Lincoln

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
Mark Twain

"He has no enemies , but is intensely disliked by his friends."
Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one."
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy."
Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."
Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
Thomas Brackett Reed

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."
James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
Billy Wilder

Magnetic Insults Buttons (pack of 12) | Price: $14.95 |As Pictured Above

So how cold is it?

• It's so cold, even the Good Humour Man is in a bad mood.
• It's so cold, chicken wings are being sold only in hot and suicide.
• It's so cold, Paris Hilton is actually wearing clothes.
• It's so cold, fleece is once again fashionable.
• It's so cold that I can feel icicles forming beneath my eyelids
• It's so cold that I put the meat in the freezer to defrost.
• It's so cold that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets for once.
• It's so cold that even members of congress couldn't get into a heated argument.
• It's so cold that cigarette smokers were passing out because they didn't know that
  they were through exhaling.
• It's so cold that instead of the finger, New Yorkers are giving each other the mitten.
• It's so cold that cabbies are wearing flannel turbans.
• Jay Leno: "It was so cold, I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket."
• It's so cold that I actually feel like listening to Rush Limbaugh. That's how desperate I am for some hot air.
• It's so cold, even Ted Kennedy won't go outside without pants.
• It's so cold that Times Square strip clubs are advertising "Live Heavily-Dressed Girls!"
• It's so cold that people are buying hot roasted chestnuts to put in their pants.
• It's so cold, Richard Simmons was seen putting on a pair of long pants.
• It's so cold, the only essential employee in Chicago is one with a snow shovel.
  

Self Answered Questions

"Is the basement upstairs?"
"So you were gone until you returned?"
"What time does the 7 o'clock ferry leave?"
"When was whe war of 1812?"
"How much is that $10 watch?"
"If you record silence on a tape and then play it back with the volume all the way up, will that drown out the noise in the room?"
"Isn't it funny how Thanksgiving lands on a Thursday every year?"
"Ears pierced while you wait."
"Do not open this door when locked."
"In no way is it possible for a person to be in two places at the same time, especially if there is a great distance in between."
"Please store in the cold section of the refrigerator."
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
"Do not use orally after using rectally."
"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
"The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"
"Were you alone or by yourself?"
"For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs."
"Mr. Smith is also a close relative of his brother Wilbur."
"The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon."
"Do these stairs go up or down?"
"What time does the midnight buffet start?"
"What do you do with the ice sculptures after they melt?"
"Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?"
"How do the elk know they're supposed to cross at the Elk Crossing signs?"
"So it's eight kilometers away. Is that in miles?"

Say What?

• As pilots training in the U.S. Air Corps they taught us, "Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take-offs you make."
• My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
• Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
• Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.
• The irony of life is that, by the time you are old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.
• I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
• Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
• How do I set my laser printer on stun?
• How is it possible to have a civil war?
• If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
• If God dropped acid, would he see people?
• If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
• If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
• If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
• Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
• What happens when none of your bees wax?
• Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?
• If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
• Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
• If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
• Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
• If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands out with soap?
• The optimist sees the glass half full. The pessimist sees the glass half empty. The drunk says, "Are you gonna drink that?"
• Things are a lot more like they used to be than they are now.
• You have abused the right to say something stupid.
• I used to live to work. Then I worked to live. Then I worked to drink. Now I must drink to work.
• We’ve had enough to drink. Now let’s have too much.
• You’re not drunk if you can lay on the floor without holding on.
• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he’ll sit in the boat and drink all day.
• Drinking when we’re not thirsty is one of the few things that separates us from the beasts.

16 THINGS WOMEN SHOULD KNOW ABOUT MEN

1. Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.
2. Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
3. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.
4. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
5. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there.
6. Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.
7. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be let out alone.
8. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
9. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
10. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
11. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
12. If you want a committed man look in a mental hospital.
13. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times men wouldn't ask for directions.
14. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.
15. Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you gotta laugh at his.
16. The main point of having a boyfriend is so that he can one day graduate to the exalted status of a "former boyfriend."