Friday, May 09, 2014

More Short VERY Funny Jokes, Steves Wasted Web at BlogSpot

Have a rough day? Try this: Picture lying on a warm rock overhanging a clear stream. Birds sing sweetly. No one knows about your secret retreat. Sheltered from the hectic pace of the everyday world, serenity flows. Your arms are elbow deep in the cool running water, which is so pure that you can clearly see the struggling Congressman you're holding underwater. See? Don't you feel better already?


The Sunday School teacher said, "There were two brothers. One chose the wicked path. This brother was evil and corrupt and damaged many people. He ended up a convicted criminal in a tiny, dark cell. But the other brother studied hard and became a great, rich, knowledgeable lawyer. Now, children: what is the difference between these two brothers?" Little Johnny raised his hand. "Easy. One of them got caught!"


A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me ... They must be Gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me ... I must be a God!


Got a Pen?

A brutally ugly woman approached me at the bar, squeezed my a$$ and said, "Give me your number, you sexy hunk." I said, "Have you got a pen?" She smiled and said, "Sure do!" I replied, "You'd better get back in it before your farmer notices you're missing!"


A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead. "I'm afraid he died last week." she explains. The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week." The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?" "Coz," he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it." :)


An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

Sunday, April 07, 2013

She decided to go to the party (FUNNY!)

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife came up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed,
so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, “Oh the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”

Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”

He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.

But I’ll tell you… the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!”

Saturday, June 09, 2012

Jokes for Twitter - Relationships

  • Remember: no matter how good a #woman looks, some guy somewhere is sick and tired of putting up with her crap! #humor
  • Will the father be present during the birth? asked the obstetrician Nah replied the mother-to-be He and my #husband don't get along!
  • A #man will pay $2 for a $1 item that he needs. A #woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need. #humor
  • How about a goodnight #kiss? he asked She rebuffed, I don't do that on the first date! He replied How about on your last date? #jokes
  • What do you get when you cross a hit of acid with a birth-control pill? A trip without the kids. #jokes
  • I hope I'm the last guy on earth -- I wanna see if all those women were lying to me. RT! #jokes #humor
  • What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted. #jokes #humor
  • What does a cyclone and a #woman have in common? They both start out hot, wet & wild and then take UR House & Car. #humor
  • Nothing can be more expensive than a women who's free for the evening!! RT! #jokes #humor #lmfao
  • My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. #jokes #humor #lmfao
  • #Girls are like phones. They love to be held & talked to, but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected! #quotes #humor
  • A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking. A wise man tells her that her mouth is beautiful when her lips are closed. #quotes #humor
  • I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. #quotes #humor
  • When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.  #quotes #humor

Friday, June 08, 2012

I Thought You Were the Perfect Couple

"Pete, I can't believe that you and Claire are splitting up," said John. "I always thought you were the perfect couple. What happened?" Pete explained, "One night, when we drove through the red-light district, Claire said, 'Look! It's one of those hookers, or prostitutes, or whatever you call them" and I said, 'Her name is Kelly'." John fell silent for a moment and then said, "So do you think she'll let you keep the Harley?" 

Two Lawyers at a Bar

Two lawyers sat down at a bar and ordered drinks. Soon, they took sandwiches from their briefcases and started eating. The bartender said, "Excuse me, gentlemen, but you can't eat your own sandwiches in here!" The lawyers shrugged and exchanged sandwiches