1) Three weeks after her wedding day, Tina called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "Philip and I had a dreadful fight! I don't know what I'm going to do!" "Calm down, my child," said the minister, "I'm sure it's not as bad as you think. Every marriage has a first fight!" "I know, I know!" said Tina. "But what do I do with the body?!"
2) Secrets to a Perfectly Satisfying Relationship:
It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
It is important that a man makes you laugh.
It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
It is important that a man is good in bed and loves making love to you.
But it is really important that these four men don't know each other!
3) A blond called her boyfriend and asked him to "come over and help me finish this killer jigsaw puzzle." "What's it supposed to be?" She says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." He came over, saw it and said, "First, no matter what we do, we can't assemble this into a picture of a tiger. Second, relax, have a cup of coffee, and then we'll put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box!"
4) A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you." The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!" Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?" The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"
5) When I was young, I had a boyfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life. In college, I dated a passionate guy, but he was so emotional that everything was an emergency. He was a drama queen, crying all the time, so I decided I needed a boy with stability. I found a stable guy but he was boring, totally predictable, never excited about anything. Life was so dull that I decided I needed a guy with some excitement. I found an exciting guy, but by then I just couldn't keep up with him. He rushed from one party to another, never settling on anything. He did mad, impetuous things and flirted with every woman he saw. He made me miserable more often than he made me happy, so I decided to find a guy with ambition. I found an ambitious man and married him, but he was so ambitious that he soon hired a better lawyer and divorced me, taking everything I had.
Now I'm older and wiser and know what I want: a guy with a really big d¡ck!
6) An older man entered a jewelry shop late one Friday with a beautiful young woman on his arm. "I'm looking for something special for my girlfriend," he said. The jeweler brought out a beautiful diamond ring for $5,000. "Perhaps you don't understand... I want something very special," he said. The jeweler went to his safe and fetched a beautiful necklace for $50,000. The young lady's eyes sparkled. The man said, "It's yours!" "How would you like to pay?" asked the jeweler. "By check, but I'm sure my bank will want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write you the check now, you can phone the bank tomorrow morning, and then I'll return and pick up the necklace Monday." The following Monday morning one pissed-off jeweler telephoned the man. "You bastard! You lied! There's no money in that account!" "Well, true. But let me thank you for one fantastic weekend!"
7) Two good old Southern boys were driving a truck through the back roads of West Virginia when they came to an overpass with a "CLEARANCE: 11 Feet" sign. They got out and measured their rig, which was over 12 feet tall. "Waddaya think?" asked one, as they climbed back into the cab. The other replied, "Hell, there ain't a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"
8) A man standing in line at the grocery store checkout was surprised when an attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming. He gave her a "Who are you?" look, but couldn't remember ever having seen her before. She noticed his look and assumed she had made a mistake. "I'm sorry, but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children." She took her change and left the store. The man was dumbfounded. "What's the world coming to? How can a woman not remember who fathered her children?" But then he thought, "Maybe, just maybe, during some wild college party..." so he ran after her and caught her in the parking lot. "Wait a minute. Are you the girl from that college party where we got really drunk and had sex on the pool table in front of everybody?" "No!" she said with a horrified look. "I'm your son's second grade teacher!"
9) Pedro was trying to get into the U.S. legally through Immigration. The Officer said "Pedro, you have passed all the tests, except there is one more test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter the U.S."
Pedro said, “I am ready." The officer said "Make a sentence using Yellow, Pink and Green." Pedro thought for a few minutes and said "Mister Officer, I am ready." The Officer said "Go ahead." Pedro said "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Pedro.'" Needless to say, Pedro now lives in a neighborhood near you.
10) A man approached a lovely young lady at the bar, "May I buy you a cocktail?" She answered, "No, thank you. Alcohol is bad for my legs." He replied, "Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. Do they swell?" She said, "No, they open!"
11) "I wanna report my neighbor Virgil Smith. I think he's hiding marijuana inside his firewood!" "Thank you for the tip, sir." Deputies immediately descended on Virgil's house, searched his shed, found his firewood, and split open every piece but found nothing inside. As they drove away empty-handed, Virgil's phone rang. "Hey, Virgil, it's Floyd. Did the sheriff's deputies come by yet?" "Yeah, they sure did!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yeah." "Happy birthday, buddy!"
12) A man who was grocery shopping noticed a little old lady following him around. When he stopped, she stopped. She stared at him. Finally, at the checkout, he was in line right behind her. She turned around and said to him, "I hope I didn't make you uneasy. It's just that you look so much like my late son..." He answered, "Oh, that's okay." "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out, 'Goodbye, Mom!' as I leave the store, it would make me so happy." Then she checked out and, as she left the store, the man played along. "Goodbye, Mom!" he said. The little old lady waved and smiled back at him and he was pleased that, through a simple act, he could bring joy into someone else's life. "That'll be $121.85," said the clerk. "What? No way! Look, I've only got nine items." The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your mother said you'd pay for her groceries, too!"
13) Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
"I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
"Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
"I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 models. I saw one I really liked."
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
"Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
"OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
"Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"