Say What?

• As pilots training in the U.S. Air Corps they taught us, "Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take-offs you make."
• My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
• Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
• Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.
• The irony of life is that, by the time you are old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.
• I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
• Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
• How do I set my laser printer on stun?
• How is it possible to have a civil war?
• If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
• If God dropped acid, would he see people?
• If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
• If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
• If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
• Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
• What happens when none of your bees wax?
• Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?
• If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
• Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
• If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
• Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
• If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands out with soap?
• The optimist sees the glass half full. The pessimist sees the glass half empty. The drunk says, "Are you gonna drink that?"
• Things are a lot more like they used to be than they are now.
• You have abused the right to say something stupid.
• I used to live to work. Then I worked to live. Then I worked to drink. Now I must drink to work.
• We’ve had enough to drink. Now let’s have too much.
• You’re not drunk if you can lay on the floor without holding on.
• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he’ll sit in the boat and drink all day.
• Drinking when we’re not thirsty is one of the few things that separates us from the beasts.