THE BEST JOKES ALIVE! Short jokes, marriage jokes, insults, one liners.

Thirteen Short Jokes

2008-03-05T10:58:00.000-08:00

1) Three weeks after her wedding day, Tina called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "Philip and I had a dreadful fight! I don't know what I'm going to do!" "Calm down, my child," said the minister, "I'm sure it's not as bad as you think. Every marriage has a first fight!" "I know, I know!" said Tina. "But what do I do with the body?!"

2) Secrets to a Perfectly Satisfying Relationship:
It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
It is important that a man makes you laugh.
It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
It is important that a man is good in bed and loves making love to you.
But it is really important that these four men don't know each other!

3) A blond called her boyfriend and asked him to "come over and help me finish this killer jigsaw puzzle." "What's it supposed to be?" She says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." He came over, saw it and said, "First, no matter what we do, we can't assemble this into a picture of a tiger. Second, relax, have a cup of coffee, and then we'll put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box!"

4) A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you." The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!" Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?" The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

5) When I was young, I had a boyfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life. In college, I dated a passionate guy, but he was so emotional that everything was an emergency. He was a drama queen, crying all the time, so I decided I needed a boy with stability. I found a stable guy but he was boring, totally predictable, never excited about anything. Life was so dull that I decided I needed a guy with some excitement. I found an exciting guy, but by then I just couldn't keep up with him. He rushed from one party to another, never settling on anything. He did mad, impetuous things and flirted with every woman he saw. He made me miserable more often than he made me happy, so I decided to find a guy with ambition. I found an ambitious man and married him, but he was so ambitious that he soon hired a better lawyer and divorced me, taking everything I had.
Now I'm older and wiser and know what I want: a guy with a really big d¡ck!

6) An older man entered a jewelry shop late one Friday with a beautiful young woman on his arm. "I'm looking for something special for my girlfriend," he said. The jeweler brought out a beautiful diamond ring for $5,000. "Perhaps you don't understand... I want something very special," he said. The jeweler went to his safe and fetched a beautiful necklace for $50,000. The young lady's eyes sparkled. The man said, "It's yours!" "How would you like to pay?" asked the jeweler. "By check, but I'm sure my bank will want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write you the check now, you can phone the bank tomorrow morning, and then I'll return and pick up the necklace Monday." The following Monday morning one pissed-off jeweler telephoned the man. "You bastard! You lied! There's no money in that account!" "Well, true. But let me thank you for one fantastic weekend!"

7) Two good old Southern boys were driving a truck through the back roads of West Virginia when they came to an overpass with a "CLEARANCE: 11 Feet" sign. They got out and measured their rig, which was over 12 feet tall. "Waddaya think?" asked one, as they climbed back into the cab. The other replied, "Hell, there ain't a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"

8) A man standing in line at the grocery store checkout was surprised when an attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming. He gave her a "Who are you?" look, but couldn't remember ever having seen her before. She noticed his look and assumed she had made a mistake. "I'm sorry, but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children." She took her change and left the store. The man was dumbfounded. "What's the world coming to? How can a woman not remember who fathered her children?" But then he thought, "Maybe, just maybe, during some wild college party..." so he ran after her and caught her in the parking lot. "Wait a minute. Are you the girl from that college party where we got really drunk and had sex on the pool table in front of everybody?" "No!" she said with a horrified look. "I'm your son's second grade teacher!"

9) Pedro was trying to get into the U.S. legally through Immigration. The Officer said "Pedro, you have passed all the tests, except there is one more test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter the U.S."
Pedro said, “I am ready." The officer said "Make a sentence using Yellow, Pink and Green." Pedro thought for a few minutes and said "Mister Officer, I am ready." The Officer said "Go ahead." Pedro said "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Pedro.'" Needless to say, Pedro now lives in a neighborhood near you.

10) A man approached a lovely young lady at the bar, "May I buy you a cocktail?" She answered, "No, thank you. Alcohol is bad for my legs." He replied, "Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. Do they swell?" She said, "No, they open!"

11) "I wanna report my neighbor Virgil Smith. I think he's hiding marijuana inside his firewood!" "Thank you for the tip, sir." Deputies immediately descended on Virgil's house, searched his shed, found his firewood, and split open every piece but found nothing inside. As they drove away empty-handed, Virgil's phone rang. "Hey, Virgil, it's Floyd. Did the sheriff's deputies come by yet?" "Yeah, they sure did!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yeah." "Happy birthday, buddy!"

12) A man who was grocery shopping noticed a little old lady following him around. When he stopped, she stopped. She stared at him. Finally, at the checkout, he was in line right behind her. She turned around and said to him, "I hope I didn't make you uneasy. It's just that you look so much like my late son..." He answered, "Oh, that's okay." "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out, 'Goodbye, Mom!' as I leave the store, it would make me so happy." Then she checked out and, as she left the store, the man played along. "Goodbye, Mom!" he said. The little old lady waved and smiled back at him and he was pleased that, through a simple act, he could bring joy into someone else's life. "That'll be $121.85," said the clerk. "What? No way! Look, I've only got nine items." The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your mother said you'd pay for her groceries, too!"

13) Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

"Hello"
"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
"Yes"
"I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
"Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
"I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 models. I saw one I really liked."
"How much?"
"$65,000."
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
"Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
"OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
"Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

The Secret To a Long Marriage

2006-12-26T16:34:00.000-08:00

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesday's, I go Friday's.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in B.C.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

10. Remember....Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.

12. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

13. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"...I said, 'Dust!"
______________________________________

The minister asked if anyone had been married for fifty years. Ralph stood up. "I'll celebrate my 50th wedding anniversary this summer," he announced. After a round of applause, the minister asked Ralph to share some insight into successful married life. Ralph replied, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, and took her traveling on special occasions." The minister asked, "Like where, Ralph?" "Well, for our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing." The minister responded enthusiastically, "What a terrific example you are, Ralph. And what do you have planned for your 50th anniversary?" "I'm going back to Beijing to get her!"

My girlfriend and I have been dating for two years ...

2006-12-19T21:01:00.000-08:00

My girlfriend and I have been dating for two years, and we finally decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me ... and my girlfriend? She is a hottie! Every guy's dream - waits on me hand & foot and does me good in the bedroom! There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She is a career woman, smart, beautiful and sexy (much like Cindy), who sometimes flirts with me, which makes me feel uncomfortable.

One day last week, Cindy's mom called me and asked me to come over to check out the wedding invitations. So WTF, I went over there. She was alone and when I arrived she began whispering to me, "Steve, you are about to be married, and I have feelings and desires for you that I cannot overcome!" she went on to say, "Before you get married and committ your life to my daughter, I want to romp on your love stick ... just this once." OMG! ... what could I say? I was in total shock ... couldn't say a word; "l'll be in the bedroom and if you are up for it just come and do me."

I stood there for a moment, pressure building up in my pants, turned around and walked towards the front door. Opened it, stepped out of the house and headed for my car. Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, he hugged me and said, "We are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter - welcome to the family."

Moral of the story:
Always keep your condoms in your car!!!!

Insults That Stick

2006-12-12T18:30:00.000-08:00

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
Abraham Lincoln

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
Mark Twain

"He has no enemies , but is intensely disliked by his friends."
Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one."
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy."
Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."
Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
Thomas Brackett Reed

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."
James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
Billy Wilder

Magnetic Insults Buttons (pack of 12) | Price: $14.95 |As Pictured Above

So how cold is it?

2006-12-07T22:53:00.000-08:00

It's so cold, even the Good Humour Man is in a bad mood.
It's so cold, chicken wings are being sold only in hot and suicide.
It's so cold, Paris Hilton is actually wearing clothes.
It's so cold, fleece is once again fashionable.
It's so cold that I can feel icicles forming beneath my eyelids
It's so cold that I put the meat in the freezer to defrost.
It's so cold that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets for once.
It's so cold that even members of congress couldn't get into a heated argument.
It's so cold that cigarette smokers were passing out because they didn't know that
they were through exhaling.
It's so cold that instead of the finger, New Yorkers are giving each other the mitten.
It's so cold that cabbies are wearing flannel turbans.
Jay Leno: "It was so cold, I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket."
It's so cold that I actually feel like listening to Rush Limbaugh. That's how desperate I am for some hot air.
It's so cold, even Ted Kennedy won't go outside without pants.
It's so cold that Times Square strip clubs are advertising "Live Heavily-Dressed Girls!"
It's so cold that people are buying hot roasted chestnuts to put in their pants.
It's so cold, Richard Simmons was seen putting on a pair of long pants.
It's so cold, the only essential employee in Chicago is one with a snow shovel.

Self Answered Questions

2006-12-07T22:47:00.000-08:00

"Is the basement upstairs?"
"So you were gone until you returned?"
"What time does the 7 o'clock ferry leave?"
"When was whe war of 1812?"
"How much is that $10 watch?"
"If you record silence on a tape and then play it back with the volume all the way up, will that drown out the noise in the room?"
"Isn't it funny how Thanksgiving lands on a Thursday every year?"
"Ears pierced while you wait."
"Do not open this door when locked."
"In no way is it possible for a person to be in two places at the same time, especially if there is a great distance in between."
"Please store in the cold section of the refrigerator."
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
"Do not use orally after using rectally."
"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
"The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"
"Were you alone or by yourself?"
"For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs."
"Mr. Smith is also a close relative of his brother Wilbur."
"The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon."
"Do these stairs go up or down?"
"What time does the midnight buffet start?"
"What do you do with the ice sculptures after they melt?"
"Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?"
"How do the elk know they're supposed to cross at the Elk Crossing signs?"
"So it's eight kilometers away. Is that in miles?"

Say What?

2006-12-07T22:13:00.000-08:00

As pilots training in the U.S. Air Corps they taught us, "Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take-offs you make."
My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.
The irony of life is that, by the time you are old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.
I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
What happens when none of your bees wax?
Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands out with soap?
The optimist sees the glass half full. The pessimist sees the glass half empty. The drunk says, "Are you gonna drink that?"
Things are a lot more like they used to be than they are now.
You have abused the right to say something stupid.
I used to live to work. Then I worked to live. Then I worked to drink. Now I must drink to work.
We’ve had enough to drink. Now let’s have too much.
You’re not drunk if you can lay on the floor without holding on.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he’ll sit in the boat and drink all day.
Drinking when we’re not thirsty is one of the few things that separates us from the beasts.

16 THINGS WOMEN SHOULD KNOW ABOUT MEN

2006-12-07T22:07:00.000-08:00

Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.
Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.
What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there.
Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.
Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be let out alone.
Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
If you want a committed man look in a mental hospital.
The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times men wouldn't ask for directions.
If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.
Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you gotta laugh at his.
The main point of having a boyfriend is so that he can one day graduate to the exalted status of a "former boyfriend."

Revised Posters

2006-11-05T20:50:00.000-08:00

I've saved a few of these, others I've collected - even made a slide show out of 'em that's up on my myspace. Here's a collection at Flikr by rbeforee. 18 revised old-time ~50's~ posters on women.

I WILL GIVE EACH OF YOU ONE WISH

2006-10-11T08:37:00.001-07:00

I WILL GIVE EACH OF YOU ONE WISH

Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Laden and Uncle Sam are out
walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

"I will give each of you one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."
With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

"Uncle Sam" (a former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out -- virtually impenetrable."

Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water!"

Introducing Larry

2006-10-10T15:15:00.000-07:00

For more comics, visit:

Be Careful What You Name Your Website!

2006-09-05T16:20:00.000-07:00

What were
they thinking?

The following are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear... and be misread:

1. Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Website is http://www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at http://www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at http://www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at http://www.therapistfinder.com

5. There's the Italian Power Generator company, http://www.powergenitalia.com

6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales, http://www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always http://www.ipanywhere.com

8. The First Cumming Methodist Church Website is http://www.cummingfirst.com

9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Website, http://www.speedofart.com

THE PENIS WANTS A RAISE

2006-09-05T14:42:00.000-07:00

I, Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

* I do physical labor.
* I work at great depths.
* I plunge head first into everything I do.
* I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
* I work in a damp environment.
* I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
* I work in high temperatures.
* I often work consecutive shifts - including overtime - due to my coworker's needs.
* My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely, The Penis

THE RESPONSE:

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 straight hours.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative.
You need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety requirements, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.

And if that were NOT ALL, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.

Cordially, The Management.

Longlegs in the Garden

2006-08-18T14:00:00.000-07:00

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked
"They're mating," her father replied What do you call the spider on top?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs" The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment..then took her foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well, we're not having any of that gay stuff in our garden."

Be glad that GAS is so ... cheap - !?

2006-08-18T13:43:00.000-07:00

You Think A Gallon Of Gas Is Expensive?
This little list makes one think, and may put
things in perspective:

Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 $ 9.52 per gallon
Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 $10.00 per gallon
Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 $10.17 per gallon
Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 $10.32 per gallon
Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 $25.42 per gallon
Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 $33.60 per gallon
Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 $84.48 per gallon
Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 $123.20 per gallon
Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 $178.13 per gallon

And this is the REAL KICKER . . .
Evian water 9 oz $1.49 $21.19 per gallon!

$21.19 FOR WATER! . . . and most buyers don't even
know the source. But then again "EVIAN" spelled
backwards is "Naïve."

So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your
car doesn't run on water, Scope, or Whiteout, or
even worse, PEPTO BISMOL or NYQUIL!!!

Time To Build Another Ark

2006-08-18T13:40:00.000-07:00

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the
passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save
the owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.
The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

Billy Connolly's Chain Letter

2006-08-18T13:21:00.000-07:00

Hello, my name is William and I suffer from guilt for
not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to
me by people who actually believe that if you send
them on, a poor six year old girl in Kentucky with
a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough
money to have it removed before her redneck parents
sell her to a traveling freak show.

And, do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going
to give you, and everyone to whom you send "his"
email, $1000?

How stupid are we?

Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make
a wish, I'll get laid by a model I just happen to run into
the next day!

What a bunch of bullsh*t.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into
my house and sodomize me in my sleep for not
continuing a chain letter that was started by St Peter
in 5AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrim
stowaways on the Endeavor.

F*ck 'em.

If you're going to forward something, at least send me
something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this
to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched
excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel
from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times.

I don't f*cking care.

Show a little intelligence and think about what you're
actually contributing to by sending out these forwards.
Chances are, it's our own unpopularity.

The point being? If you get some chain letter that's
threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the
rest of your life, delete it.

If it's funny, send it on.

Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about
a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to
the arse of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only
salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you
forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise,
tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous
and will consume your genitals.

Have a nice day.

P.S: Send me 15 bucks and then f*ck off.

Honey On The Phone

2006-08-18T13:20:00.000-07:00

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

Man: "Hello"
Woman: "Honey, it's me.
Are you at the club?"
Man: "Yes"
Woman: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that
much."
Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
Man: "How much?"
Woman: "$65,000."
Man: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
Woman: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
Man: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

Why Parents Drink

2006-06-18T11:55:00.000-07:00

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy" , whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now truly alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "ME."

Funny E-mail (copy this & use it in an e-mail message)

2006-06-18T11:42:00.000-07:00

Subject - I am Crusty Wafflehump!

MY NEW NAME IS IN THE SUBJECT ...
.. DON'T LAUGH UNTIL YOU FIND OUT WHAT YOUR NEW NAME IS.

* We all need a little stress-reliever!
* This only takes a minute.
* Please don't be a bore and ruin it.
* Copy & e-mail this to everyone you know, especially your family members.

Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you need some silliness to break up the day. And, if we are honest, we have a lot more stressful days than not. Here is your dose of humor...

1. Follow the instructions to find your new name.
2. Once you have your new name, put it in the subject box and forward it to friends and family and co-workers.
3. If you receive this e-mail, be sure to return - reply to the sender with your new name in the subject line.

The following is excerpted from a children's book, Captain Underpants And the Perilous Plot Professor Poopypants, by Dave Pilkey, in which the evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names...

1. Use the third letter! of your first name to determine your new first name:

A = snickle
B = doombah
C = goober
D = cheesey
E = crusty
F = greasy
G = dumbo
H = farcus
I = dorky
J = doofus
K = funky
L = boobie
M = sleezy
N = sloppy
O = fluffy
P = stinky
Q = slimy
R = dorfus
S = snooty
T = tootsie
U = dipsy
V = sneezy
W = liver
X = skippy
Y = dinky
Z = zippy

2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:

A = dippin
B = feather
C = batty
D = burger
E = chicken
F = barffy
G = lizard
H = waffle
I = farkle
J = monkey
K = flippin
L = fricken
M = bubble
N = rhino
O = potty
P = hamster
Q = buckle
R = gizzard
S = lickin
T = snickle
U = chuckle
V = pickle
W = Hubble
X = dingle
Y = gorilla
Z = girdle

3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:

A = butt
B = boob
C = face
D = nose
E = hump
F = breath
G = pants
H = shorts
I = lips
J = honker
K = head
L = tush
M = chunks
N = dunkin
O = brains
P = biscuits
Q = toes
R = doodle
S = fanny
T = sniffer
U = sprinkles
V = frack !
W = squirt
X = humperdinck
Y = hiney
Z = juice

Thus, for example, George W. Bush's new name is: Fluffy Chucklefanny.

Now when you SEND THIS ON...use your new name as the subject.
And Remember that children laugh an average of 146 times a day;
adults laugh an average of 4 times a day. Put more laughter in your day!

You Might Be Iranian If ...

2006-06-06T21:32:00.000-07:00

you have a hookah as a centerpiece in your living room

your mother constantly interferes in your relationships

you have 2 or more tattoos that say “Allah”

you hijack a plane with your relatives on board

you are a car salesman and at the same time a singer

you've been detained on visa violations at least 12 times

you actually like carbonated yogurt drinks

you talk behind your wife's back with your mother

LA, "Irangeles," has become your second homeland

you never wear your wedding ring

the registrar at the Immigration and Naturalization Service knows you by name

you rewind the movie ‘Clueless’ to show your friends the Persian Mafia part

you pronounce "Sure", "SHOOR"

You've been arrested for downloading Western or Iranian music recorded in America

your favorite drink is Absolut with Shmirnof

you refer to your landlord as the head of the village

you are good in playing backgammon and chess but can't do your taxes.

you pronounce "gas station", "gas esstation"

you have an enlarged poster of Tupac Shakur stapeled to your bedroom cealing

you can prove that you are Italian.

you awake from a bad dream shouting, “Chi boodim . . . chi shodim!” - - “What we were . . . what we became.”

your parents tell of how they partied with Googoosh when they were groupies back in Iran

you've recorded all the episodes of “Baywatch” and “Beverly Hills 90210”

your wife divorces you, but still goes shopping with your sister.

on your entry door hangs separate iron knockers for men and women

you carry 3 pagers and 2 cellular phones but no one ever calls you.

you still get up at five in the morning to go buy bread

you don't own a house and have no job, but still can afford a BMW

you have to shave more than once a day

before you were born, your parents made plans for you to become a doctor or a computer programmer

you use the phrase "Ghorbooneh Shoma" or "Ghorbonat" or "Ghorboonet" at least 30 times a day

you get excited when a cashier is Persian

you're still wondering when Bush is going to bomb Iran

Guy Talk Translated

2006-05-29T22:25:00.000-07:00

"I'M GOING FISHING"
Translated: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR!"
Translated: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Translated: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless"

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Translate: Hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC !!!"
Translated: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST ... I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Translated: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

How To Keep Your Mental Health!!!

2006-05-29T20:55:00.000-07:00

!!! Sit in your parked car wearing your sunglasses and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
!!! Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
!!! Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone is over their caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.
!!! In the memo field of all your checks, write "For sexual favors."
!!! End all your sentences with, "in accordance with prophecy."
dont use any punctuation
!!! As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
!!! Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
!!! Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
!!! Put mosquito netting around your cubicle and play tropical sounds all day.
!!! Make co-workers call you by your wrestling name: "Rock Hard."
!!! When your money comes out of the ATM, scream, "I won! I won!"
!!! When leaving the zoo, start running towards the lot, yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!!"
!!! Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
!!! When someone says "have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.
!!! Make a list of things to do that you have already done.
!!! Dance naked in front of your pets.
!!! Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him to pre-school as if nothing is wrong.
!!! Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.
!!! Simulate a drug deal in a public restroom.
!!! Pay your electric bill in pennies.
!!! Drive to work in reverse.
!!! When ordering from a restaurant, inquire whether they have any live food.
!!! Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
!!! Polish your car with earwax.
!!! Write a letter to a friend using alphabet cereal.
!!! Replace the filling of a Twinkie with shaving cream and put it back in the wrapper.
!!! Bill your doctor for time spent in his waiting room.
!!! Buy a box of condoms. Ask the cashier where the fitting rooms are,
and ask for help.
!!! See if you can be the first one off the plane, even if you are sitting by a window
!!! Put a title like Senator or Doctor before your name when making dinner and hotel reservations
!!! Before exiting the elevator, push all the buttons
!!! Wear a Dr Seuss "Cat -in the- Hat" cap next time you go to the movies
!!! Serve TV dinners, wine coolers, and cherry Twinkies for Thanksgiving
!!! Sit in the home bleachers and cheer for the other team
!!! Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the
restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.
!!! Ask for crayons to color the placemat.

God's Creation

2006-05-29T20:19:00.000-07:00

On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed (sigh).

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span."

Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.

Two ladies talking in heaven

2006-05-29T19:56:00.000-07:00

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I Froze to Death.
2nd woman: How Horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

Visit "My Wierd & Wasted Web Space"

Trailer Park Rules

2006-05-19T20:06:00.000-07:00

1. No cars up on blocks for longer than three weeks.

2. No changing your oil in the street.

3. No loud and wild parties without inviting the manager.

4. You may have no more than 3 beer can wind chimes each only having no more than 6 cans each.

5. Drunkenness will not be tolerated in the streets prior to 10 am.

6. While outside of your trailer you must be at least partially clothed.*

7. If you prefer to clean your trailer in the nude, please close the curtains. *

8. When bringing in the Jerry Springer or COPS film crews, please provide the management prior written notice so that certain residents may be forewarned.

9. Empty beer bottles should not be discarded on the front lawn. However, they may remain there until you are sober enough to collect them with the understanding you will collect them within 7 days whether sober or not.

10. When bringing dates home to your trailer, please be advised that in the event the sidewalks need to be repaired or replaced due to the weight of your date, you will be responsible for all cost incurred.

11. All window cracks and repairs must be done within 7 days of last party using color coordinated duct tape whenever possible.

12. If grass get too high around trailer wheels, a fine will be imposed on renter, not to exceed the rental of neighbors goat and kids.

13. Lawn mower, car and truck parts are not to be displayed, advertised or kept in the yard for more than 30 days unless they are in original condition, this includes but is not limited to rust, dents, flat tires, broken windows and headlights, dull blades etc.

14. For sale sign must include real name, address, phone number (if any), price in dollars and cents,large enough to be read from the street while driving by with beer in hand.

15. All children found in yard after dark will be referred to the local tavern for collection.

16. Volume of TV will be kept at a reasonable level except where your neighbor's television is broke and wants to listen to the NASCAR races.

17. Harley's are NOT to be kept in the living room.

18. Carports are for cars not your in-laws oversized truck camper.

19. Police are for law enforcement not delivery of your pizza, doughnuts or long lost relatives you saw on late night TV

20. Your neighbors windows are NOT for target practice.

21. Your neighbors dogs are NOT for target practice.

22. If your dog barks too much, your neighbor has our permission to shut him/her up by any means at hand.

Note* (Exemptions to rules 6 & 7 may be provided to women between the ages of 18 and 35. Please submit a photograph to the manager for approval.)

Following these simple rules should make your stay in our trailer park more enjoyable for everyone.

My Most Favorate Bumper Stickers

2006-05-19T19:47:00.000-07:00

4 out of 5 voices in my head say Go For It!
A hundred thousand sperm and you were the fastest?
A real gentleman wouldn't stare at my stickers.
Answer my prayer -- steal this car.
As a matter of fact, I do own the road.
Back Off! I'm a Postal Worker
Back off! I'm not that kind of car.
Beat rush hour, leave work at noon
Bipartisanship: I'll hug your elephant if you kiss my ass
CAUTION! - Driver legally blonde!
CAUTION! I can go from 0 to BITCH in 2.5 seconds
Clear the road I'm SIXTEEN
Come The Rapture Can I Have Your Car?
Cover me! I'm changing lanes.
Daddy Farted, and we Can't get out!!
Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
Don't assume I'm not into cheap meaningless sex
Don't follow me. I'm lost too.
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Don't worry…it's only kinky the first time.
Driver carries no cash. He's married.
Forget About World Peace. Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
FREE TIBET! (with the purchase of a 44 oz. drink).
Get off my ass before I start to like it!
God is Coming and is she PISSED
God was my co-pilot but we crashed in the mountains and I had to eat him
Heavily medicated for your safety.
Hello, officer. Put it on my tab.
Help! I Farted and can't roll down my windows!
Horn Broken Watch for Finger
I'm a nice guy. My car is evil.
I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to work.
I'm only driving this way to piss you off.
I'm Out of Estrogen And I Have a Gun
I'm looking for the right pedestrian to run over.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
I'm Not Losing Hair I'm Getting Head
I'm not playing with myself, I'm just adjusting my jewellery.
I'm out of bed and dressed, what more do you want?
I am not a bum. My wife works!
I brake suddenly for tailgaters
I don't care, I don't have to.
I gave up drinking, smoking and sex - Worst 15 minutes of my life
I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
I have a drink problem - I can't afford it.
I have a nice body. It's in my trunk.
I have good Brakes, Do you have GOOD Insurance?
I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.
I is a college student.
I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
I love cats they taste like chicken
I may be a Cruel and Heartless Bitch But I'm damn good at it
I may be slow but I'm ahead of you!
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
I respect your opinion. Just don't want to hear it!
I still have the body of an 18 year old but it's in my trunk and it's starting to smell
I Still Miss My "Ex" But My Aim Is Improving
I suffer from c.r.s. (can't remember shit)
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
I want to be just like Barbie That BITCH Has Everything!
I Wasn't Born A Bitch Men Like You Make Me That Way
If everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane!
If I wanted to hear from an asshole I'd fart
If this car is being driven courteously it's been stolen.
If we call it tourist season why can't we shoot them?
If You Are Born Again Do You Have Two Belly Buttons ?
If you are not a hemorrhoid then get off my ass!
If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
If you don't like my attitude, stop looking at my Stickers!
Invest in America. Buy a Congressman!
Invest in America. Buy a Congressman - Oh wait! You are already doing that!
It's time to pull over and change the air in your head!
It sucks to be a man in a lesbians body.
Jesus is coming look busy.
Jesus loves you, everyone else thinks you're an asshole
Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
Learn from your parents' mistakes. Use birth control!
Lord give me patience... But Hurry!
Make It Idiot Proof and Someone Will Make a Better Idiot
Men are Idiots and I married their King
My daughter turned down your honor student!
My Goddess Gave Birth To Your God
My other bumper sticker is funny.
My other car is a broom
My other car is also a piece of junk
Of All The Things I've Lost I Miss My Mind The Most
Out of my mind (back in 5 minutes)
Pissing off the whole planet one person at a time
Politicians & Diapers need to be changed... often for the same reason
Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself
Sex is my religion.. let us pray!
So Many Cats, So Few Recipes
So many pedestrians. So little time!
Somewhere in Texas there's a village missing an idiot
Sorry if I look interested, I'm not!
THE EARTH IS FULL GO HOME
Think this looks bad? You should see the front.
This Is Not An Abandoned Vehicle
Why Are You Staring At My Bumper!? You Pervert!
Work harder!! Millions on welfare are depending on you.
Yes, This Is My Truck No, I Won't Help You Move
Your child may be an honors student, but You're still an idiot.
YOU SAY I'M A BITCH LIKE IT'S A BAD THING

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REDNEAK IF;

2006-05-19T19:26:00.000-07:00

-- You can identify your friends by the sound of their mufflers.
-- You have the policeman hold your beer while you get your license.
-- Your mama has more tattoos than you do.
-- You think "Country & Western" covers both types of music.
-- Your grandma can bench press a truck axle.
-- You keep a chainsaw in the trunk "just in case".
-- You can legaly purchase beer by the time you reach junior high school
-- Coons get into everyone else's trash but yours.
-- Your smoke detector doubles as your dinner bell.
-- When there's a pothole in the road and you swerve - to hit it.
-- People mistakenly come to your house thinking your having a yard sale.
-- You prune your trees with a shotgun.
-- The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
-- Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
-- There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
-- None of your shirts completely cover your stomach.
-- You've shot a deer from inside your house.
-- You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
-- You've never been too drunk to fish.
-- Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
-- Every year you get a Christmas card from Red Man
-- You can spit without opening your mouth.
-- You have a house that's mobile and five cars that ain't.
-- You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
-- An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.
-- Your secret family recipe is illegal.
-- Your pocketknife has been referred to as Exhibit A.
-- Your dress shoes have numbers on the heels.
-- Taking a dip has nothing to do with water.
-- you think Hamlet is something you get at McDonald's
-- directions to your house includes at least 2 dirt roads
-- you go to family reunions to find a date
-- your saddle costs more than your horse
-- the rabbit ears on your TV come from a real rabbit
-- the furniture store in your town sells only gun racks
-- your bride doesn't have to change her name
-- your town is so small, that they're still excited about the wheel
-- your job doesn't offer coffee breaks because it takes too long to retrain everybody
-- you put out your campfire by peeing on it
-- even your dog eats chili for breakfast
-- you'll walk a mile for a Camel, but not 20 feet to take out the trash
-- most of your children were conceived at a rodeo
-- your belt buckle weighs more than your dog
-- your most popular pick-up line is, "nice tooth"
-- you think High Cholesterol is a religious holiday
-- the only difference between your grandmother & an elephant is about seven pounds
-- the 3 most difficult years of school for you was the 2nd grade
-- you have whitewalls on your wheelbarrow
-- your dad's last words were, "hey fellas, watch this!"
-- you got so excited when you heard you were being promoted to the 3rd grade that you cut yourself while shaving
-- when your wife goes out for groceries she has to ask you which car is running
-- your house still has the sign,"wide load" on it
-- you can burp & say your name
-- you & your dog use the same tree
-- you think there's nothing wrong with incest as long as you keep it in the family
-- you've got more than one brother with the name Darryl
-- at least one of your 17 kids was born on a pool table
-- your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does
-- you always use your Nascar credit card
-- your toilet paper has page numbers on it
-- you have trophies lining your living room from tobacco spitting contests
-- you can change the oil in your truck with out ducking your head
-- your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight drive-in theater
-- at your senior prom, they had a day care
-- your 7 year old took a siphon hose to school for show & tell
-- you think that taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner
-- you brought a fishing pole with you when you visited Sea World
-- you took a load to the dump & brought back more than you left
-- you think a quarter hourse is a ride out front of Walmart
-- you've been maried 3 times & still have the same inlaws
-- you had to remove the back seat from your car so all your kids could fit in
-- you think Sherlock Holmes is a housing project
-- your favorite color is plaid
-- you have a personalized license plate that your dad made for you in prison
-- you've been on the 6:00 news at least 3 times describing the sound of a tornado
-- you think Taco Bell is a Mexican phone company
-- the can't finish off your dinner without a toothpick
-- Your dining room table has a stack of old tires to prop up what's left

Computor Savy in the South

-- You think screen saver is a new flavor o' candy.
-- You think www. in a url is a logo for a wrestling organization.
-- Someone tells You they're "locked up" and You ask if they need bail money.
-- You've ever been too drunk to chat.
-- Your screen saver is a confederate flag and plays Dixie.
-- You think a hard drive is a trip to Uncle Bubba's.
-- Your mouse keeps knocking over your spitcan.
-- You wonder why your scanner won't pick up police radio calls.
-- You think a megabyte is the new dollar sandwich at McDonalds.
-- You have to ask someone how to spell LOL.
-- You stomach overlaps half of your keyboard.
-- You're still trying to figure out how to get your empty beer cans into the recycling bin.
-- You can't figure why Your computer won't turn on with the remote.
-- You're amazed at how Your floppy disk got hard.
-- You play Frisbee with your CD Rom's.
-- You find yourself on the floor looking into your "A Drive" yelling 'Give it back! Give it Back'.
-- When birds fly across your screen an you reach for Your shotgun.
-- You put a mousetrap on your desk.
-- Your yard is full of old computers stacked on cinder blocks.
-- You use Your CD-ROM drive as a beer holder.
-- You call tech support an ask where to buy stamps for your e-mail.
-- When You turn your computer on you say, "Come OOOOOOON Betsy."
-- You think system wizard is a dude in a funny hat.
-- You know that 64 M RAM is a new big block engine for Your pickup.
-- You think ICQ is how smart your computer is.
-- Someone tells you that your computer has a bug an you reach for the can of Raid.
-- You think a mouse pad is where Mighty Mouse and his cousins hang.
-- You go buy a surfboard to surf the net.
-- You think your homepage is where you really live.
-- You give directions to a website that include a person, animal, or old barn.
-- You think MB stands for "More Beer."
-- You wait for the Bluelight special at K-Mart to buy your computer.
-- You see the word Download, and so you take the shells out of your shotgun.
-- You think the person that made your keyboard was dumb 'cuz the letters aren't in order.
-- You think pushing the delete key will make your ol' lady disappear.
-- You think CD stands for Cow Dung.
-- You think GIF stands for "Goodie It's Free."
-- You think Mirabilis is a new brand of smokes.
-- You see the "shift" key and try to figure out how to change gears.
-- You wonder why your screen saver ain't wearing a cape like that there superhero on the cartoons.
-- You think that Geocities is a place to buy them little cars.
-- You catch yourself trying to smell the little flower on your ICQ contact list.
-- You see the word "Zip" and know why you were feeling a draft.
-- Your computer has a bumper sticker on it.
-- Part of Your computer is held together with duct tape.
-- You sees the word "Refresh" and reach into the cooler for another beer.
-- Your in a chat room and someone asks where your from and you reply, "My momma."
-- You sees the word "Website" and start looking for spiders

The Oreo Personality Test

2006-05-19T19:20:00.000-07:00

Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into their personalities. Choose which method best describes your favorite method of eating Oreos:

1. The whole thing all at once.
2. One bite at a time
3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results of each bite afterwards.
4. In little feverous nibbles.
5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee...).
6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
10. I don't have a favorite way because I don't like Oreos.

Made you choice?

Your Personality:

1. The whole thing.
This means you consume life with abandon. You are fun to be with, exciting, and carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children.

2. One bite at a time.
You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreos this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but that's okay, not to worry, you're normal.

3. Slow and Methodical.
You follow the rules. You're very tidy and orderly. You're very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to the point of being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if you're only going to go the speed limit.

4. Feverous Nibbles.
Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental breakdowns run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good.

5. Dunked.
Every one likes you because you are always up beat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles your life is in. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction.

6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie.
You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior.

7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie.
You are good at business and take risk that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But that's ok, you don't care, you got yours.

8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
You enjoy pain.

9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional medical help - immediately.

10. I don't have a favorite way, I don't like Oreo cookies.
You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear nice things, and go to up-scale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a prima donna. There's just no pleasing you.

You May Be From California If…

2006-05-19T16:00:00.000-07:00

Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

You make over $500,000 and still can't afford a house.

You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.

You can't remember... is pot illegal?

You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.

You can't remember.... is pot illegal?

A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.

Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U. S.

A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice.

Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S & M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag

You can't remember... is pot illegal?

It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH 2004."

You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 pm Tae Bo class.

You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.

It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

Hey!!!! Is Pot Illegal????

Both you AND your dog have therapists.

The Terminator is your governor!